


I, Waluigi

by bennykill709



Category: Luigi's Mansion (Video Games), Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games), Super Mario Odyssey (Video Game), Super Smash Brothers, Wario Land (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Debt, Detective Noir, Gambling Addiction, Gen, Human Trafficking, Infidelity, Insomnia, Judgment, Sacrifice, Self-Doubt, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:53:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bennykill709/pseuds/bennykill709
Summary: What is the definition of evil?  Waluigi doesn't care.  All he wants is to be left alone to his work as a Private Investigator, but when an old friend comes to him for help, he goes on a journey that leads him to question his own identity as well as his very sanity.  Such is life in New Donk City.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	1. Damsels

**Author's Note:**

> This story originated from a joke I made when I was considering the main titles in the Mario franchise. There's Mario who remains champion of platformers after 30+ years, Luigi with his own twist on survival horror, and even Wario indulges in mini-game mania. But what about Waluigi? What kind of game would Nintendo bless him with? In my opinion, I think he's perfectly suited for a gritty detective noir. While the original idea is a joke, once you get past the juxtaposition of these happy, colorful, family-friendly characters being put into not-so-cheery situations, this is a dark story with emotionally tense situations and very little comedy to be found. It was fully written and completed during NaNoWriMo in November of 2019 with no editing. Feel free to comment with suggested edits and constructive criticism, and enjoy!
> 
> Also, [Here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLKtCnI1O8VIRCNYBX-ZyQuMo1kWrcJzaI) is a YouTube playlist that I created to help me get in the mood for the writing, it will work great as background music while reading!
> 
> Lastly, if you would like to see more from me or have any requests, let me know!

I awoke with a start, as I often do. I think it was my office door latching shut, but I can never be sure. I took a drink from the glass sitting in my lap, feigning consciousness before responding to my guest.

“Apologies, my assistant is on holiday.” I said, massaging my eternally tired eyes. “I hope you weren’t waiting lo-“

“Hi, Wally…”

I didn’t think it was possible to be any more exhausted, but her voice sent me crashing through the floor of what I thought was rock bottom. I finished the finger of juice left in my glass in one gulp, then took a deep breath before jumping in again.

“Daisy.” I said as I met her gaze. She was as beautiful and clean as ever, in stark contrast to the sorry state of my office. I peeled myself out of my chair and walked around the desk to greet her. “It’s nice to see you.”

“Liar.” She said with a smile. Her flowery scent was a literal breath of fresh air, overpowering the smell of stale dust that I had long forgotten was ubiquitous to this room. But her scent, like the rest of her outward appearance, was a complete fabrication. She was, in fact, the Princess of Sarasaland, but beyond her fair skin and fancy title, she was a mess the size of the Ruined Kingdom.

“What is it this time?” I asked.

“Can’t a girl just come by to say hello to an old friend?” Daisy said, approaching me, probably hoping for a warm embrace. I turned away from her to grab the bottle on my desk.

“And you call me the liar?” I poured the rest of the bottle into my glass, disappointed that the rest still left the glass half empty. “You were never my friend, despite what you made me think.” I turned back to her, holding out her hand, expecting me to hand her a drink. I responded by finishing the glass in front of her and setting it back on the desk. She curled her hand and took a step back, looking away from my cold stare.

“I’m sorry for what happened that night. I was just-“

“I’m not interested in revisiting old memories.” I said impatiently. “Do you have a job for me or not?” I crossed my arms and leaned back against the desk. Daisy was silent, I could see her face turning red in some places, and pale in others. She didn’t want to be here any more than I wanted her to. “Well?”

“I… just… umm…” She was having issues letting out the words, and it was stretching my already paper-thin patience. I walked around her to the door.

“If you don’t mind, I have a lot of work to do.” I lied as I opened the door, beckoning her to leave.

“It’s Wario.” She said abruptly. I rolled my eyes and let out a heavy sigh, then re-closed the door.

“Again?”

“No, it’s different this time!”

“Different how?” I snapped at her. “Am I going to get payed this time?” I waited for a response, but the silence was all I needed for an answer. “What about Luigi? Did you even talk to him about it?”

“I would have, but he left on a vacation a few days ago. Mario and Peach went with him, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” She said, flashing her angry eyes at me.

“I don’t believe you.” I said bluntly. “And settling debts isn’t my job anyway. Come back when you’ve lost a Toad, and bring some coins next time too.” I opened the door again. Daisy looked at me with shock on her face and her eyes beginning to gloss over. She turned away and began walking briskly out the door. She didn’t say another word as she passed by and went for the elevator. I could see her hand shaking as she pressed the call button. I watched her as she waited for a few moments and images started flashing in my mind. The consequences of her debt. The fury of Luigi when he finds out about this conversation. The passion of our night together so many years ago. The perspective of a woman living in the same overbearing world as me. The ding of the elevator reaching this floor signaled time running out to help the girl in front of me.

“Wait…” I said. Daisy stopped a half step into the elevator. “I’ll talk to him.” There was a moment of silence, then she turned back and ran towards me, wrapping her arms tightly around me as her body collided with mine. “Just… don’t let it happen again.” I said as I held her gently. We stood in each other’s embrace for a few moments. As much as I wanted to keep my distance from her, it had been a long time since I felt the touch of a woman I wasn’t paying for, and it likely wouldn’t happen again in the foreseeable future.

“Do this for me, and you won’t ever have to see me again.” Daisy said as she pulled away from me. Her once bright blue eyes were puffy, red, and overflowing with tears. She turned away and went back to the elevator. As the doors closed, I caught a last glimpse of her melancholy expression that stuck to my memory like a tick. I latched the door and went back to my desk, then tried pouring another glass, but the bottle was empty.

“Shit…” I whispered to myself as I threw the bottle in the trash in frustration. “Why can’t I just say no?” I grabbed my jacket and hat from the coatrack and locked up the office, then took a not-so-leisurely jaunt down to the NDC Central Lounge. It would have been dark were it not for the bright, flashing signage that seemed to fill every square millimeter of wall and window space available. In lieu of my faithful drink, I turned to another vice, pulling a cigarette from its crumpled package and placing it between my teeth. I lit the end and took in toxins that were a different flavor to the ones that filled the streets.

The sound of cars, distant horns, subtle footsteps, and indistinguishable voices created disjointed music to my ears. It was home, or as close to it as anything I’ve had before. It wasn’t long before I reached the Lounge, but my aching limbs didn’t seem to get the message. When I poured myself into the seat at my usual back corner table, it felt like I had been walking for hours. It always did these days, even if I hadn’t walked an inch. Within moments, the waitress arrived to take my order.

“A glass of juice and a bottle for the road, please.” I reached into my jacket pocket, but only felt the empty fabric of my coin pouch. I sighed in disappointment. “Put it on my tab.” The waitress nodded silently and went back to the bar. I lit another cigarette and let the smoke combine with the miasma that filled the room.

The woman on stage was wearing her usual red sequin dress, the straps pulled down to reveal her delicate shoulders. She was in front of a band playing a somber jazz number, giving a soliloquy that matched the mood. The story was that of something that happened many years ago, a story of love, hate, loss, and living a life that feels like a lie. Something that everyone in the building, hell, the entire city could relate. I closed my eyes as I listened, hoping that the music could soothe me into a restful sleep, however short it may be.

“Wally.” She said, prompting my eyes to open again. The drink and bottle were on the table in front of me, and my cigarette had burned down to my fingers. Across from me was the woman who was on stage. I suppose I did get some sleep, fruitless, as I had feared. I let the tower of ash from my cigarette fall into the tray.

“Mayor.” I said in greeting. “That was a beautiful story. How much of it was true?” I pulled out another cigarette and lit the end, taking a single puff.

“All of it.” She said with a gentle smile. “And none of it.” She reached over and took the cigarette from between my fingers, letting her silky skin tease mine. “And please, call me Pauline.” She took a drag, her lips clinging ever so slightly to the filter. I took a drink from my glass.

“How have you been since…” I let myself trail off, unable to bring myself to say the words, but knowing that she understood what I was saying.

“Didn’t you just say you listened to my story?” Pauline giggled quietly.

“I was just being polite. I have noticed that you haven’t played ‘Jump Up, Super Star’ for a while yet. I thought it was your favorite?”

“Yeah, well, I suppose I haven’t been in the mood.” Pauline broke eye contact with me to stare at the glowing embers of the cigarette before taking another puff. We sat silently for a few moments, taking in the slow jazz that the band was still playing. “I don’t think I ever thanked you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I was just doing my job.”

“No, you didn’t have to do that. Your job was already done, and I would have paid you for it anyway.”

“I only did what any other person would have done in that situation.”

“No, Wally, you didn’t.” Pauline grabbed my hand and held it firmly, looking me straight in the eyes. “Nobody else would have done what you did. Despite what Mario, Luigi, Peach, and all the rest might say about you, you are a good man. Never forget that.” She left the cigarette in my fingers when she pulled her hands away. She stood up from the table and walked to my side. She placed her palm against my cheek and turned my head to face toward her. “Thank you.” She said just before leaning in and planting a warm kiss on my cheek. “Take care of yourself, Wally. Nobody else will.”

Without another word, she left. I looked at the cigarette in my fingers. The filter was now stained with red, and when I placed it between my teeth, I could taste her lips. Pauline was among the most truthful people in this city, and in the world as far as I was concerned. I sat there, nursing my drink and reflecting on her words as the music played. When the liquid in the glass no longer held the flavor that I craved, I left with the unopened bottle on my way to the next stop.


	2. Brothers

The Casino W was a massive building and it was far and away the brightest and loudest thing in the city. I walked through the front entrance into the casino floor and was immediately tempted to open the bottle in my hand and gulp as much down as it took to silence the overbearing sound coming from the skinner boxes that surrounded me. I looked around at the countless people huddled over the machines, and I wondered how many of them were in the same situation as Daisy. Every time I walk through this floor I think about how lucky I am that gambling isn’t one of my many vices, but I also wonder if other people think the same thing about me when they see me drowning in drink, smoking two packs a day, or trying to sleep in my office.

I looked up at the manager’s office, the large room attached to the ceiling overlooking the casino floor, and right in front of the window looking down at me was the man I was looking for. He had the same stupid grin on his face with a cigar stuck between his teeth. He played with his mustache with one hand as he looked at me. I stopped in the middle of the floor, and raised the bottle towards him, prompting him to waive me up. I continued to the back of the floor to a gilded elevator flanked by a pair of burly Goombas, one of whom made a discreet call on his radio, then a moment later turned to open the elevator for me.

While the rest of the casino floor and most of the hotel was specifically designed to appeal to as many people as possible, the elevator and managers office was tacky enough to make me sick every time I saw it. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the mirrored wall of the elevator, listening to the chiptune music on my way up. The ride must have only been 10 seconds, but it still felt entirely too long. The elevator dinged when it reached the manager’s office and I walked out to find him standing in the same spot overlooking the casino floor.

“Wario.” I said in greeting to his reflection in the window.

“Wally, my brother!” He said warmly as he turned around and approached me for a hug. There wasn’t much I could do to stop him, so I opened my arms and let him in. He was nearly two heads shorter than me, pressing his ear awkwardly into my chest. I gave him a couple of compulsory pats on the back before he broke off his greeting.

“We aren’t brothers, Wario.”

“Nonsense!” He said with a laugh as he slapped my back. “We’ve known each other for so long, and after you found Mona for me, I consider you as close to a brother as I’ll ever have.”

“Remind me, how did it end up going with Mona?” I said with a bit of acid on my tongue. Wario continued grinning, but it wasn’t nearly as jolly as a moment ago. He took a long drag from his cigar while staring daggers at me, then walked to the couches in the center of the room and took a seat.

“Why do you have to be so cynical all the time?” He waived a hand toward the seat across from him, inviting me to sit down.

“Cynicism keeps me alive.” I said as I approached and took a seat.

“Until it doesn’t…” Wario said. We sat in silence, staring at each other for a few moments before I sat the bottle down on the glass coffee table between us. Wario snapped his fingers as I did, and his personal bartender gathered two glasses with two rocks each and brought them to us. “I imagine you aren’t here to talk about Mona.” Wario said as the bartender took the bottle and professionally opened it then poured some into each glass. She set the bottle back down and Wario waived her away.

“I’m here about Daisy.” My words made Wario chuckle and snort while shaking his head.

“I should have known.” He said. “If cynicism isn’t the death of you, that girl will be.”

“Is that a threat?” I said with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s advice, Wally.” Wario said with open hands, the universal gesture for ‘Calm the Fuck Down.’ “How’s Luigi’s going to react when he finds out you’ve been hanging around his girl again?”

“That still sounds like a threat, Wario.” I said. Wario laughed and snorted again, nervously, then let out a heavy sigh.

“You know, despite what you may think of me, I wasn’t lying when I said I called you my brother. I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you, which is why I won’t be the one saying anything to him.” Wario sat up in his seat and took a swig of his drink. “You probably know better than I do just how unhinged Luigi is becoming over the last few years, what with all this talk of ghosts and ghouls, and I hear he’s building quite the temper too. Can you really be sure that he’s not going to kill someone?”

“I’m not here to talk about Luigi, dammit!” I said as I slammed my glass down on the table.

“Fine! Let’s talk about Daisy, then.” Wario said, starting to get visibly frustrated. “What about her is so interesting to you?”

“I want you to clear her debt.” I said, but I was barely able to finish before Wario burst out laughing. He stood up from his seat and walked over to the window to overlook the casino floor again. When he quit laughing, he sighed and wiped an exaggerated tear from his eye. “That’s not going to happen.”

“C’mon, what’s a few less coins in your pocket?”

“It’s more than a few.” He said, taking another puff of his cigar. “Do you have any idea how much she owes?”

“It can’t be more than-“

“Fifty thousand coins.” Wario said, cutting me off. His response left me almost speechless. I closed my eyes and pinched my nose in disappointment.

“Oh, Daisy…” I whispered to myself. I shook my head and sighed before turning back to Wario and continuing. “How could you let it get that far?”

“Who am I to take the fun away from my guests?”

“That isn’t fun, you monster!” I yelled as I stood up. “You’re taking advantage of them, of her!”

“Taking advantage is the name of the game, Waluigi! If you see an opportunity and you don’t take advantage, the only person you’re hurting is yourself.”

“Now who’s the cynic?” I said. Wario walked back and sat down in the couch.

“It’s not cynicism. It’s pragmatism.” He said, pausing briefly afterward. “I’ll tell you what.” He pointed a finger down on the table. “You give me ten coins, right now, and her debt is forgiven.” He said with an angry expression. I looked at him for a moment, then scoffed and looked away. “Screw that. One coin. Just one coin and it all goes away.” He waited for my answer, but I just crossed my arms and walked to the window silently. “That’s what I thought.” He said. I stood in front of the window, watching the floor below. There were dozens of guests that I could see, and quickly scanning their faces, very few were smiling as they mindlessly pulled the levers on their slot machines.

“You were talking about Luigi a moment ago.” I said.

“Oh, NOW you want to talk about him.”

“Who do you think he’ll be more angry with? Me, or you?” I turned around to look at Wario’s face. He was staring at the table, in as deep a thought as he could muster. “… Or Daisy?” I continued. Wario closed his eyes and rubbed his face, but remained silent for a few moments, then looked up again.

“Is there anything else, Wally?” He asked, but his real meaning was ‘Get the hell out.’ I waived my hand at him, brushing him off as I walked back to the elevator. As the door closed, I caught a glimpse of Wario staring at the bottle in front of him.

I don’t think I was able to get to him, but nobody can say I didn’t try. I decided to take a stroll to Daisy’s place to let her know how it went. I arrived at the front door to her apartment complex and rang her buzzer. There was no answer, and no return buzz to let me in. I buzzed again and got no response. Just as I was about to leave someone came out the door, another tenet, I assume. I didn’t take a good look at him, only noticing that he was wearing an all-black suit with a matching Porkpie, but his pure white gloves stood out as peculiar. I wasn’t really interested; I just caught the door before it closed and went inside. I took the elevator up to her floor and down the quiet, empty hallway. When I knocked on her door, again I waited for a response that never came. I knocked again more loudly this time, and nothing. I pressed my ear against the door, but heard no noise coming from the other side. It was past midnight and concern was starting to set in.

The kind of creative thinking that is necessary for work as a Private Investigator meant that paranoia came with the territory, so I started thinking logically. I had just spoken to Wario about her, and as stupid as he is, he’s probably not stupid enough to make her disappear. Nobody else, as far as I could tell, had any interest in harming her. She was probably asleep, whether it was in her bed or someone else’s, something she has been known to do in the past. I pulled my pad from my breast pocket and wrote a short note. ‘I’ve spoken to him, let me know if he gives you any more issues. W.’ I tore it out of my pad and folded it then slipped it under her door, and with that, my favor was complete.

I returned to my office with a now empty pack of cigarettes and no bottles to my name, making the next couple of days relentlessly difficult. Luckily, I was able to pick up a job from a rich NDC musician who had lost his prized Chain Chomp, a case that took all of an afternoon to solve with the beast being stolen by a rival artist. This gave me enough coins to drown myself for a week, and that I did.

I don’t drink for the taste, though I’m pretty sure not many do. I don’t drink for the buzz, however fun it might be. I don’t drink to drown my sorrows, though it does that as well. I drink because it helps me sleep, or at least get as close to sleeping as possible. But, I’m not sure it’s working anymore. I can’t tell if I’m lying awake on my desk, or if I’m having a dream where I’m lying awake on my desk. Whenever I open my eyes, they feel as sore as if I’d never closed them in the first place. Maybe I never did. The door shutting brought me to full consciousness. Before my vision came into focus, I greeted my guest.

“Sorry, my assistant is-” I was interrupted by a fist colliding with my face, knocking me backward, flipping my chair and spilling several boxes of files as my body crashed into them. The adrenaline helped my eyes to focus, allowing me to recognize my attackers green hat and neat mustache.

“Where the fuck is she?” He said with fury. The overwhelming taste of copper arrived with the immense sting of broken cartilage, something that I was all too familiar with. I laid on the floor and tongued around the inside of my mouth searching for any missing or dislodged teeth, finding none this time. Luigi came around the desk and lifted me by my lapels, then forced me against the window. “Answer me, you lanky piece of shit!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said, knowing exactly what he was talking about.

“You think I’m that stupid?” Luigi held me with one hand and pulled a piece of paper from his coat with the other, then slapped me in the face with it. The note was the one I slipped under Daisy’s door. I let out a labored sigh.

“I haven’t seen her since last week.”

“So you admit it?” Luigi said, placing his face uncomfortably close to mine. “Do you remember what I said would happen if I caught you seeing her again?” He pressed me harder against the glass to the point that I could hear it cracking under the pressure.

“Do it then, asshole!” I said, calling his bluff. “And good luck finding her by yourself!” I could see the ravenous hatred growing in his eyes and for a moment I wasn’t sure that he was bluffing, but then he let go and stepped away. I stood where I was and watched him carefully as he began pacing back and forth. I picked up the chair and stood behind it, subconsciously putting as much furniture between him and I. “It wasn’t my idea to see her, Luigi. She came to see me, and maybe she wouldn’t have if you hadn’t left her home alone.”

“Excuse me?” He said, stepping toward me again. I lowered my stance, prepared to defend myself this time, but he didn’t come any closer. “You have no idea the kind of shit I saw while I was away.”

“So this is all about you then?” I said, my words seeming to cut Luigi. He was having a hard time finding a response, getting more frustrated with every second. “Please, try to relax and let’s talk about this like adults.” I re-set my nose, wincing painfully and giving Luigi a few more seconds to cool off before I continued. “She came to me last week asking for a favor. We spoke for all of 5 minutes, and she left. That was the last I saw of her.”

“What was the favor?” Luigi asked, his skeptical eyes still focused on me. I let out a sigh and then sat back in my chair. I waived a hand at him to do the same, but he just crossed his arms in defiance.

“She wanted me to… talk to Wario for her.” I said. Luigi expressed his disappointment by throwing his hands in the air and falling into the chair behind him. He put his face in his hands and shook his head.

“Again?” He said. “How much was it this time?”

“Fifty Thousand.” I said, and Luigi shot back up out of his chair and started pacing again. I sat in silence as he collected his thoughts.

“What am I going to do with her?” Luigi asked rhetorically, but I responded anyway.

“I’m the last person that can answer that question.”

“So, you think Wario had a hand in this?” Luigi said. He was wringing his hands and I could see the thoughts running through his mind.

“He’s a greedy bastard and a colossal idiot, but he’s not one to make a girl disappear.”

“We’ll see what he says when I go ask him…” Luigi said as he opened my office door to leave.

“I’ll speak to him, Luigi.” I said, stopping him in his tracks. “You should go talk to her father. Maybe she just went home.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Luigi said, looking back at me.

“I’m not.” I stood up and walked around the desk to meet him face to face. “I have experience with missing people, and Wario and I have a lot of history. I just think it would be better if I spoke to him.” I reached out and grabbed his arm and looked into his eyes. “I’ll find her, Luigi, because despite what you and your brother think, I am not a monster.” I said. Luigi’s breathing slowed, and he looked into my eyes, checking to see if I was sincere. When he decided I was, he shook my hand, then turned and went to the elevator. “Oh, one more thing…”

“What is it?” Luigi said.

“Where did you find that note?”

“It was on the floor next to our front door.”


	3. Suspects

She never arrived home that night. I shouldn’t have ignored that feeling that something was wrong, but then again, the last time I followed my instincts I got into more trouble than it was worth. Still, I couldn’t help but think about it on my way back to The Casino W. I could have tried to find her that night, tell her in person and make sure she was okay. Then again, I could have fallen back into her arms and Luigi wouldn’t have stopped at breaking my nose. Instead, she’s been missing for a week. I kept running through scenarios in my mind, consistently returning to the idea that she could be dead, and I did very little to prevent it. My self-doubt was growing, and macabre images of Daisy were intruding my head. I used to be good at managing my thoughts, but now my heart was beating faster and faster, and I was starting to hyperventilate. The city around me was growing darker until I felt as if I was walking through a black void and Daisy’s mangled, suffocated corpse was just outside my reach.

“Welcome back, Wally.” Wario’s voice brought me back. I was suddenly standing in his office. “You look like shit.” He said as I looked around his office. Nothing seemed out of place, but it felt wrong. It seemed like a dream, like I was out of place. My legs were sore, and my eyes were having trouble focusing. Wario stepped closer to me. “Are you alright?” He said, a hint of genuine concern in his voice. I shook my head and cleared my throat.

“I’m fine.” I said.

“Sure you are.” Wario said, waiving his hand and rolling his eyes at me. “How can I help you today?”

“Have you seen Daisy lately?”

“Her again?” He said with a laugh. “Haven’t you learned your lesson by now?”

“Do you have any idea where she might be?” I asked.

“Why would I care?” Wario said, walking to his spot overlooking the casino floor. “Are you implying something?”

“Just answer the damn question, Wario.” I said through gritting teeth, getting tired of his coy attitude.

“I’m not one to tell a man where they should get their dick wet, but I seriously think you’re better off getting an escort.” Wario’s response made me see red, causing me to walk over to him, spin him around and slap him in his fat face.

“I’m not fucking around! Where is Daisy?!” I yelled. I then felt a tight grip on my arms as Wario’s Goombas pulled me away from him. They pushed me onto my knees and held me there as Wario became red with fury. Or was it humiliation? He curled a fist as he stepped closer but stopped before hitting me. He took a deep breath, then stepped away again.

“You know what the difference is between you and I?”

“Besides 200 pounds and a gold fetish?”

“I mean including your crippling alcoholism and cucking complex.” Wario said. I had to admit, his banter was top notch. “You just don’t know when to quit.”

“Just tell me that she’s okay.” I asked, pleading with him.

“She’s never been okay for as long as we’ve known her.” He said as he lit up a cigar. “And I wish I could tell you she was, but frankly, I don’t know.” Wario’s words made me prepare for the worst. “I haven’t seen or heard from her since before your last visit.”

“You didn’t order your shit-eaters here to retrieve the debt?” I said, then felt a painful grip on my shoulder from one of the aforementioned shit-eaters.

“No. I sent a message down to the front door that she’s banned until she pays up. Nothing more. They would have told me if she showed up again.” Wario said, and I let out a subtle sigh of relief. “We’ve known each other for a long time. I’m hurt that you would think I could do something so terrible to a helpless girl like that.”

“Except for Mona, right?” I said. Wario quickly waddled back to me and, this time, didn’t hesitate to un-set my already broken nose. I wailed in pain and tried to hold my profusely bleeding face, but the Goombas kept my arms locked.

“How dare you! That was completely out of context, and you fucking know it!” Wario began pacing in front of me, as angry as I’ve ever seen him. “I won’t pretend that I was a victim, but she certainly wasn’t either!” My eyes were flooded with tears, but I kept trying to meet his gaze. He kept pacing, but his words turned into incoherent mumbling, and then silence as he stared daggers at me. “Why are you even here when we both know there’s someone else who is known to take princesses.” I stayed silently in my spot, not that I could go anywhere anyway. “Go do your fucking job!” He said, and the Goombas began dragging me to the elevator. They kept me held as they entered, and Wario continued as the elevators closed. “… And quit picking fights. You don’t have the frame for it.”

I was literally thrown out of the casino. The only way it could have been more stereotypical is if I had landed in a pile of garbage, but I have to give NDC Waste Management props for keeping the streets so clean of material waste. After re-setting my nose again, I walked across the street to the nearest diner and straight through to the restroom. My profusely bleeding face drew a lot of interest from the patrons and I feigned like I was paying no mind, but the looks of horror, disgust, and hate was all I ever noticed whenever I was the center of attention. Walking into the restroom, I went to the nearest sink and began washing the blood from my face. After cleaning most of it away, I leaned on the sink and took a deep breath.

I stared into the mirror in front of me, my eyes trained on the tired and broken face staring right back. The words of Pauline echoed in my head, ‘Despite what all the rest might say about you, you are a good man.’ Why is it then that I see the same thing that most others see? The eyes were cold and angry. The nose, broken and jagged. The lips pulled back to reveal a perpetual, mischievous grin. I was gazing into the face of Evil.

As I continued to stare, my arms began to quiver, threatening to collapse as if I had a hundred kilos growing on my shoulders. The edges of my vision faded into darkness until all I could see was the horrifying visage of the mirror monstrosity. Then it began to laugh, the shrill sound piercing my head and filling me with the urge to vomit.

“You’ll never find her!” It said.

I closed my eyes, and the familiar sting told me that I hadn’t so much as blinked for hours. When I opened my eyes again, I was staring up at a pitch-black sky, and my neck was being tickled by cool, wet grass. It was comfortable, and the urge to close my eyes again and fall asleep was overwhelming. But I didn’t know where I was, or how I had gotten there. I sat up with a weary groan and looked at my surroundings. I was in the center of the park, kilometers from the casino and diner. As I clambered to my feet, I felt a sharp sting in my right hand. It was cut up and wrapped in a dish towel with spots of blood soaking through.

Alarm bells were ringing in my head, worsening the encroaching hangover. Blacking out was something I was familiar with, but it only ever happened when I indulged a bit too much in drink, and I always woke up in the same place that I started; my office. Neither of those were the case, and it’s already happened twice tonight. As I stood in the middle of the park, I could feel panic beginning to set in, but the logical part in me said there was nothing that could be done at the moment, and I still had a job to do. I lit a cigarette and took a large pull, allowing the toxic smoke to suppress the anxiety, and I began walking.

The slums of NDC were juxtaposed to the generally clean look of the rest of the city. Many of the slum’s residents were out loitering on the edges of the glow from the streetlights. The tiny glints from their shadowed eyes betrayed that most kept their focus on me as I encroached on their territory. Aside from the incredulous looks, they didn’t bother me. Maybe it was the bleeding and broken nose making me fit in with the rough state of the neighborhood. Maybe I was about to be mugged, not that they would get much. I didn’t care.

“Hold up.” Said a turtle faced thug as he held his palm in front of me. “Koopas only beyond this point.”

“I’ve got an appointment with your boss.”

“Sorry friend, but you don’t.”

“Are you sure?” I said, raising an eyebrow. “I hope he’s not upset when he finds out that you didn’t let me in.” To this, the Koopa massaged the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

“Really? Do you think the King and I are fools? You think that because I don’t have a fitted suit that I don’t understand command structure?” He stepped forward, puffing out his chest. He was taller than me, but not by much. Then again, not many people were. However, the Koopa had about 150 pounds on me. “Despite your insulting my intelligence, I’m still trying to be polite. You look like you’ve had a bad day, and I have no desire to make it any worse.” He crossed his arms and repeated himself. “Koopas only.” I stared at him, and he stared right back, then I let out a sigh.

“I need to speak with him. It’s urgent.”

“You should have made an appointment.” The Koopa said with a straight face.

“Now who’s not being polite?” I said with a bit of a smirk, but the Koopa wasn’t amused. I sighed again. “I’d like to make an appointment, please.”

“It’s 3 in the morning. The King is sleeping.”

“Are you sure?”

“Again with this?” The Koopa said, uncrossing his arms and changing to an offensive stance. I raised my hands and took a step back in an attempt at placating him, then I pointed toward the top floor of the apartment building behind him. The Koopa, confident that I was far enough away to do anything stupid, looked toward the building. A large spiked silhouette obscured a faint red glow that filled the top floor. The silhouette made a single movement with one of its hands and the Koopa in front of me turned back around to face me, then snapped his fingers. Another Koopa crept from the shadows behind me and forcefully pulled off my coat.

“What the fuck?” I shouted, unable to do anything to prevent it. The Koopa behind me stepped away and draped the coat over his arm. I caught a glance of him sizing me up from behind, then nodded to the first Koopa.

“Escort him up.” He said to the other, then spoke to me. “You’ll get your coat back when you leave.”

I glared at both Koopas before stepping past and walking to the apartment building. Upon entering the lobby, dozens of eyes locked on me and watched closely as I made a beeline to the elevator. The ride up was awkwardly silent between me and my Koopa guide, but when the elevator doors opened, the sound of embers and boiling lava filled the air along with the smell of brimstone and burning flesh. The top floor had all the atmosphere of the castle in the once great Koopa kingdom, including the overbearing heat, but it was immediately clear that it was entirely aesthetic, with the sounds coming from speakers and the smells produced by specialized aromatics.

“Greetings, Bowser.” I said, trying to be polite. “Thank you for seeing me.”

“Speak.” Said the large figure in front of me, his deep voice complimenting his intimidating visage. He was still staring out the window overlooking the street. I stood quietly, considering what I was going to say, and how to say it.

“I’m looking for someone, maybe you know where I can find her?”

“I already see where this is going.” Bowser said with a heavy sigh, embers flowing from his nostrils.

“It’s Daisy. She’s been missing for a week now.”

“And you think I’m the one that took her?” He said, turning halfway to look at me with one eye.

“It’s not exactly out of character.” My words seemed to cut him.

“Character?” Bowser turned toward me and approached. I could feel the floor shake with each of his steps closer to me. “You’re the last person that can talk to me about character.”

“What I mean to say, if you’ll allow me to be blunt, is that you have a history of taking princesses.” I said. Bowser stood towering over me, and with each of my words, his lips gradually curled to reveal his razor-sharp teeth only inches away from my face.

“Not princesses. Only one, and I ‘took’ her the same way you ‘took’ Daisy. Are you sure it wasn’t you who ‘took’ her again?” Bowser pressed a claw against my chest, emphasizing his point.

“I never kidnapped Daisy!” I said, staring back into his terrifying face.

“Oh really?” He said, pulling back and feigning shock. “You’re saying that it was a misunderstanding? That you’re being vilified because she refuses to say what really happened? That people don’t listen when you speak because you look like the bad guy?” Bowser turned away from me and walked back to the window. I stood silently for a moment, interpreting what he said. I was still unconvinced, but his words made sense. All I had ever heard about Bowser had come from his enemies. I never heard about what happened from the turtle’s mouth. If I’m being honest, I never cared to.

“Just tell me you didn’t take her, and I’ll get out of your horns.” I said in frustration.

“I didn’t take her.” Bowser said. That was all I needed to hear, so I turned and started walking back toward the elevator. “But I have an idea who might have.” His words stopped me in my tracks. I turned back and hurriedly walked over to Bowsers side. “My soldiers have been seeing a new presence in the city. Strange people seen in locations where disappearances have been reported.”

“What do they look like?” I asked as I pulled a notepad and pen from my breast pocket.

“They’re dressed in a black suit and wearing a matching hat, and while nobody seemed to see their faces, they are always seen wearing a pair of solid white gloves.”

“You said they’ve been seen where people disappeared? Who, specifically, are you talking about?”

“Yoshi and DK, a couple of weeks ago, and Professor Gadd just a few days ago.” Bowser said. I jotted down the names and the description of the suspected culprits.

“You don’t care about any of them. So, why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m not the monster everyone makes me out to be.” He said with a low growl and a side eye, then paused for a moment. “And they took my son too, just last night.” He pressed his clawed hand against the window and leaned against it.

“I’m… sorry, Bowser.” I said, reaching out to place a supportive hand on his shell, but I thought better of it and pulled away at the last moment. “I’ll do everything I can to find him.”

“After the Odyssey, I don’t have much to pay you with.”

“That’s fine.” I said, closing the pad and placing back in my pocket. “I’ve been doing a lot of pro-bono work lately anyway.” I walked back to the elevator. “Besides, I suppose we villains need to look out for each other, because nobody else will.” Bowser didn’t seem to respond. He just stood there looking into the darkness as I left.

I finally had a lead, but as a PI, I didn’t have much access to missing persons reports, something that could help narrow down the general area where the culprits might be. Those reports were in the NDC Law Enforcement database, and unfortunately, they were not very fond of me. The only person that may be able to help me in this situation was the Police’s second favorite hero, Luigi, so I made my way to his apartment. The sky was starting to recede from black, with spots of red and violet growing on the eastern horizon. I buzzed his apartment, and received no response, again. It felt like déjà vu. I buzzed again, and nothing. I continued to buzz until the lobby door opened, a woman and her child leaving the building. I caught the door before it latched and made my way inside and up to Luigi’s floor.

As I approached the door, I heard the faint voice of a woman from inside. The door was wide open, and when I stood in front of it, I saw none other than Daisy standing in the apartment. The moment I saw her, it felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I let out a heavy sigh.

“Daisy!” I said. “Where the hell have you been? Luigi and I have been looking for you!” I stood, dumbfounded, in the hallway outside the apartment.

“I was just taking a road trip…” She said with a shaky voice. I took a couple of steps forward into the foyer.

“You had us worried sick! Why didn’t you leave a note or something?” I said. Daisy didn’t respond, she was just looking at me. Then I felt a shiver down my spine. Something wasn’t right. Daisy was visibly shaking, and I saw a tear roll down her cheek. “Where’s Luigi?” I asked, but again she didn’t respond. I looked at the door. The latch was broken, and the wood was splintered around it. Without saying a word, I looked back at Daisy. She was staring at me, but for a moment, I saw her eyes glance to the corner of the foyer behind me. Just as I was about to turn to look, I heard the distinct sound of a firearm being cocked directly behind my ear.

I slowly raised my hands, and the figure stepped out from the corner and in front of me, giving me a front row view down the barrel of a loaded revolver. It was one of the mysterious kidnappers. I observed as he backed away from me and toward Daisy. I tried looking into his face, but somehow, the hat was casting a shadow over it that was difficult to see through. I squinted my eyes, trying to focus harder, trying to make out any sort of identifying features. The man, if you could call it that, had none. It didn’t seem like he even had a mouth or nose, but there were pinpoints of light reflecting off his eyes.

I had wandered in just as he was about to take Daisy, and I’m sure that was still his plan, but now I was threatening to ruin it. He continued moving backward toward Daisy. I was frozen solid. Firearms were banned in NDC, and as such, I hadn’t had a gun to my head in many years. Just as he was about to step out of my reach, I leaped toward him, grabbing his gloved hand and pointing it toward the ceiling. I forced my body into his, causing him to lose his footing, and we both tumbled to the ground. With one hand, I kept a grip on the gun, doing my best to aim it away from myself, and with the other, I swung wildly at the gloved man’s head. Each hit felt like nothing. It felt like I was punching air, or like my hand was a magnet being repelled by another. I kept trying, nonetheless.

As we struggled, there was a loud and sudden bang, the firearm discharging and deafening me. As soon as the shot rang out, the man let go of the weapon and effortlessly slid out from beneath me. I tried to keep a grip on him, but it was as if he didn’t have any substance. He stood up and quickly went out the window behind him onto the fire escape. By the time I stood up, he was already gone. I adjusted my grip on the weapon so that I was properly holding it, and quickly went to the window. I looked down the fire escape, but there was no sign of the man. Confused, I took a few steps back, then turned to where Daisy was standing. She wasn’t standing any longer.

Daisy was on the ground with a hole in her cheek and the back of her head blown out, sitting in a growing pool of blood. I was completely frozen over her now lifeless body. Her eyes were wide open and staring at the ceiling. I saw the color actively draining from her eyes and face until she was pale as a ghost. I tried telling myself that it wasn’t real. I had been hallucinating lately, missing time. This must have been a trick that my alcoholic and sleep deprived brain was making. I closed my eyes for a moment and opened them again, but the image didn’t change.

I heard a crash from the doorway, snapping me out of my trance. I turned and saw Luigi standing in the doorway. There was a bouquet of roses and a broken bottle of Champaign laying at his feet. My mind raced with every word imaginable that would help explain the situation, but the words never left my lips. Luigi’s face gradually turned from utter shock and horror to anger that I had never seen the likes of before, then he charged at me. I responded by ducking around him, causing him to trip over Daisy’s body and collapse on the table nearby. Without thinking, I darted toward the still opened window and crawled out onto the fire escape, but Luigi caught my foot before I had fully exited.

I gripped the railing as Luigi pulled at my leg, pulling himself out onto the fire escape in the process. He clambered his way up my body, then when he had good footing, he began to pummel my face repeatedly, each one more forceful than the last. After several hits, he began to yell “Why!?” with every punch. With nowhere to go, I pushed myself back up to my feet, but with Luigi forcing himself against me, I was gradually pushed over the railing. Just as I lost my balance, Luigi grabbed my lapels, holding me over the 7-story drop. Tears were streaming from his fury filled eyes. I swallowed the blood pooling in my mouth and gasped for breath.

“I’m sorry, Luigi.” I said through gargled words. Luigi pulled his fist back one last time, then hit me square in the face as he let go, letting me fall into the alley. It felt like I was falling for hours before pinging off a dumpster and rolling along the ground. As I lay there staring up at the fire escape, I could see Luigi looking over the railing back down at me, then ducking back into his apartment. That was when the darkness came again.


	4. The Master Hand

Instead of a dream, I saw Daisy’s corpse looking up at me. It was a memory, one that I wouldn’t be able to un-see for the rest of my life. Or, maybe I was as dead as she was, and this was my punishment. I was ready to give in, to allow myself this fate, but my eyes opened, and I was staring at the stars in the sky above me. At first, I felt comfortable, laying in grass again, but as soon as I began to move, one by one, every single bone in my body began to ache. I tried to sit up, but an immensely sharp pain on my left side told me not to. I fought the pain, bringing myself to a sitting position. I was in the same park as the last time I blacked out. I looked down at my body to find what was causing the pain and saw that my left arm was in a makeshift sling made from my coat. I tried moving my arm, but the pain prevented me from doing so. I gently unfolded the sling to see the damage. My arm was mangled and broken in several places, as well as completely dislocated. I could tell I had several broken ribs on that side as well. It was clear to me that my arm had taken all the damage from the fall onto the dumpster.

I was surprised I was even alive, but the sun was coming up when it happened, and now it was night again. I was alive, but part of me wished I hadn’t been. Memories from just before had flooded back. The image of Daisy on the floor stuck in my head. I couldn’t believe it to be true. I ran through the sequence of events over and over again, hoping that I was simply imagining what happened, and that in reality, it was something else, but that realization never came. I sat in the grass for a while longer, contemplating the state of things. Finally, I concluded that there was nothing that could be done for Daisy any longer, but others were still missing.

After what happened, the Police were likely looking for me. From Luigi’s perspective, I was caught with a smoking gun after killing Daisy, so he was likely on the hunt for me as well. I couldn’t go back to my office, though the bottle of juice in my desk sounded pretty good right now. I also couldn’t go to the lounge, everyone knew I was a regular there, and for that matter, the Casino W was off limits as well. The only place I could think of was the Koopas. They had no love for Mario and his kin, or the local police, and I was still on the job to find Bowser’s Jr. With my mind made up, I started toward the Koopa’s Ghetto.

I was about half-way there when I heard quiet whimpering coming from down an alleyway. It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary. After all, an alleyway is a perfectly good place to sit down and let out your tears, but I decided to check it out anyway. I stepped off the street and walked down the alley. When I turned the corner and investigated the darkness, the first thing I saw was another one of the men with gloves. He was brandishing a revolver, identical to the one I had taken earlier. I quickly stepped back behind the corner and leaned back out to see what was happening. The man was walking with a smaller figure, the one that had been crying. As I followed them at a distance, I was able to make out who it was. Diddy Kong, the rambunctious sidekick to DK, was being led at gun point by the man with gloves. I continued to follow them, quietly. They followed the alleys for what seemed like kilometers before turning toward the street, and immediately went into a subway station. At this time of night, the streets and the subway were completely devoid of onlookers.

They walked onto the platform, but when Diddy stopped, the gloved man pushed him onto the tracks, then dropped down onto them himself, and kept guiding the little spider monkey down the tunnel. The bright lights of the platform soon gave way to dim emergency lighting in the tunnel, only barely enough to allow me to see my mark. Again, we walked a fair distance before they stopped at the door to an old service tunnel. The gloved man made a distinct rhythmic knock on the door, and it opened shortly after, then closed again after they entered. I went to the door and pressed my ear against it. I could hear the footfalls fading, until I heard nothing at all. I waited several minutes, then rapped my knuckles against the door in the same pattern I had heard before, then prepared myself.

The door opened with another gloved man standing behind it. As soon as it was open enough, I darted inside and grabbed the man by the throat. He struggled to grab the gun in his coat, but before he could reach it, I pushed him outside the door and pulled it shut. Loud, alarmed banging on the door followed, the man on the outside unable to get back in. I looked down the hallway, wondering if anyone else was able to hear the banging, but there didn’t seem to be a response. I began down the long featureless hallway, and eventually the loud banging turned into a soft tapping, then nothing at all. The hallway eventually turned and opened into a massive subterranean structure; a cistern for the city’s rainwater. Hanging from the ceiling were countless cages, most of them containing someone, or something. The larger cages caught my eye, one containing what looked like a sort of bony winged dinosaur, another contained a giant penguin, and one contained Donkey Kong himself, bloody and beaten. I scanned for any other recognizable figures, and sure enough, I spotted a smaller cage carrying a spiked Koopa, the Prince Koopa himself.

On the floor were many more of the men and women with gloves, walking back and forth and taking inventory of the cages. I could also see Diddy. He now had a collar around his neck and was being led by a leash to an ornately designed door at the other end of the cistern. The door swung open, and the room inside seemed unnaturally dark, like it was absorbing any light that was nearby. The two walked into the room, and the door slammed shut behind them.

I wasn’t entirely sure what I was looking at, but I knew that something needed to be done to stop it. I walked along the path at the back of the cistern gradually sloping down and winding around until I was on the cistern’s floor. There were enough massive pillars to hide behind, and the sounds of chains and heavy machines masked me as I slogged through the puddles on the ground. I crept closer to the group of gloved figures.

I snuck up behind a gloved woman and quickly wrapped my good arm around her, reaching into her coat, and grabbing hold of the gun she was concealing. I gripped it tight and pulled back away from her. She whipped around to look at me, but I was already pointing the gun at her face.

“Don’t fucking move!” I yelled. By this time, all the other figures stopped their work and turned toward me. “Nobody move, or this woman is dead.” The woman in front of me raised her gloved hands, and I gestured to her to move along the outside of the rest. All of the figures, aside from obvious gender traits, were completely indistinguishable from one-another, and they all watched me, completely silent and motionless, as we worked our way toward the front of the cistern where the ornate door was located.

“Lower the cages and let these people out.” I said, but none of the gloved figures responded. “Do it now!” I yelled, shaking my gun at the woman. They remained still. I pulled the hammer back on the revolver. “I’m going to ask one more time. Lower the cages and let them out, or I’m going to shoot her!” There was still no response. I wondered if the figures knew that I was bluffing. I’ve never killed anyone before, at least, not purposely. Then again, I wasn’t sure that these were ‘people’ exactly. They all had dark, shadowy faces with no features, except for the ominous glints in their eyes indicating they were staring at me. It was then that I decided I wasn’t bluffing and pulled the trigger.

What I saw made my stomach sink. The bullet collided with the woman’s featureless face, punching a hole right through it, but the hole closed again, as if the bullet had passed through a cloud of smoke. There was still no response from any of the gloved figures, but I did hear the ornate door behind me creak open. I kept the gun trained on the woman but turned my head to look at the doorway. There was an inky black smoke pouring from the room, starting slowly, but then quickly shooting out toward me. I suddenly felt a cold pressure in my chest, then looked down to see that the smoke had turned into a large black spike, and I was now impaled on it. I tried to inhale, but I was only met with a raspy gargle and a painful cough that spewed blood from my mouth. All strength left my body. My knees collapsed and I dropped the revolver.

The spike lifted me off the ground, and pulled me back into the doorway, shutting me in darkness as the doors closed. The inside of the room was like nothing I had ever seen. In all directions was blackness dotted by stars without number, but it still felt like I was lying on solid ground. Above me was some sort of glowing crystal, and forming below it, a massive vortex containing the entire spectrum of colors. The glow from the vortex lit another creature next to me, Diddy Kong. He was frozen in fear, staring at the portal. A booming whisper began to grow with no distinct origin.

“A new challenger.” It said. “One that brought itself.” I tried to look around, but every miniscule movement was complete agony. I couldn’t speak, as I was suffocating on my own blood. All I could do was lay there and listen. “You are to be taken to a battlefield to fight for your life. If you do not win, it will be your final destination.” Out of the corner of my vision, I could see a massive gloved hand form from the darkness and take hold of Diddy. Another hand formed beneath me, then lifted me from the ground. I gargled in pain as it gripped me but felt something hard pressing against my broken ribcage. I had just enough room to reach my working hand into the sling and felt the grip of a revolver. The same one that had killed Daisy.

The hands brought us above the portal, preparing to drop us into it. I had only a moment to do anything, but all I could see was the crystal that the vortex was forming from. I pulled the revolver from the sling and pointed it toward the crystal. My vision was blurry and fading, and I could tell it was the last time. I lined up the sights as best as I could and fired a single shot. The crystal shattered instantly, and a deafening shriek came with it. The vortex disappeared, taking the disembodied hands with it, and Diddy and I fell to the floor. The stars disappeared and the darkness receded, until I was staring at the ceiling of the cisterns monitoring station. After a few moments, Diddy walked over to stand above me.

“You did it!” He said. “They’re all gone!” He was excitedly jumping up and down as he said it. I reached for him, barely able to lift my arm. I grabbed his shoulder and tried to pull him close.

“Save them.” I said. They were the only words I could muster before my muscles gave out. My vision continued to fade, but Diddy placed his palms on my cheeks, drawing me back for a moment.

“You’re a hero.” He said. “And I won’t let anyone say differently.”

The last thing I felt were the tears falling from my eyes, before I felt the comfort of nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story! If you enjoyed it, let me know, and feel free to copy and post this story elsewhere as long as it is credited to myself. This is one of very few fan-fics I've ever done, and the only one I've ever completed. I prefer writing original works and if you want more or would like to collaborate on a project, please get in contact with me!


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